Stupid Renji
by Bladestar123
Summary: Ah spring time. The birds are singing, the tree's are blooming and stupidity is in the air... not ichi/renji. i dont do yaoi, and hopefully nor do they. Oneshot collection. WARNING. Requires imagination. I supply the dialogue, and you do the rest. Hold on to your gallstones, kidneys, bladders, miscellaneous bodily functions, ect.
1. The stupidity begins

**After my previous disaster, here's another occ fic. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!**

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"AAAAAAAAARG!"

"Renji, get your oblong and malformed ass out of my sisters face"

Ichigo groaned. It had been like this since the 6th division captains had arrived.

The arrancar's had been acting up (hey, kinda like my friends pimples.) so the seireitei had sent Renji and Byakuya over. They had had many 'incidents' over the past few hours.

_Flashback_

"_Hey cool, this is so convenient, the water collects in a big bowl, you can drink right out of it!"_

_SSSSSSSLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPP_

"_It tastes great!"_

"_Renji, that's a toilet bowl. Its where you go to the bathroom."_

_Flashback_

"_What the hell is this shit? It tastes like Rukia's cooking!"_

"_That's laundry detergent"_

"_MY COOKING IS NOT THAT BAD. ASK ONII-CHAN!"_

"_He got food poisoning from your cooking."_

"_hurkkk__"_

"_Crap"_

_End Flashbacks_

The past hours had been painful.

"Hey, this tastes great!"

"I think it's called Piet- zah" (pizza)

"Why's it so green?"

"It has last year's date on it!"

"Is it poisonous?"

"HHHUUUUUUURRRRRRKKKK"

"Yep"

"Get out of here before we find that Renji's breed of insanity is contagious."

They were getting worse.

**I luuuuuurve stupid Renji! If you have any ideas, feel free to share!**


	2. Thats Plastic

**Sigh, no reviews. Im hurt. Whatever. Here's my next chapter.**

"Renji you moron, that's plastic. Don't eat it."

"It was on the table…"

"HHHHHUUUUUURRRRRK"

"ONII- CHAN"

"Moron. You told Byakuya to eat it?"

"I thought he wanted to fit in…"

"Byakuya doesn't try to fit in with us, we try to fit in with Byakuya, but I don't mind"

"M-my last will is that Rukia gets my fortune (cough - haaaaaaaaack) and Ichigo and Renji get the guillotine…"

*Sweatdrops*

"Im serious"

"Funny, I didn't think my hands could grip like this…"

"Ichigo, how'd ya get on the celing?"

**Wheeeeeeeee. I love hurting/annoying Renji**

**Renji: Bitch**


	3. Chapter 3

"Yuzu,is dinner ready yet?"

"No!"

"Why?"

"Because!"

"Because what?"

"Ichigo, how do you operate a 'microwave'?"

"…YOU LET RUKIA COOK?!"

"**Suffer and die Kurosaki**."

"B- B- Bya- Byakuya, you got out of the hospitalalready?!"

"Obviously."

"Ah, why are you holding senbonzakura?"

"scatter"

"ONII- CHAN, YOUR RUINING DINNER!"

"Dinner? I thought that was charcoalfor the fire place."

"**DIE.**"

"BYAKUYA!"

"Are you mocking Rukia, Renji?"

"Yeah, listen to the man Baboon face."

"Your supposed to be onmy side."

"Anything to live a little longer.

_TO BE CONTINUED_

_**BY THE WAY, IM WRITING LIKE THIS, BECAUSE I WANT THE SCNERY TO BE LEFT TO YOUR IMAGINATIONS.**_


	4. crown of flames

_Continued from last time…_

"YOU DOUCHE, YOU BETRAYED ME!"

"Screw you"

"The dinner~~~"

"SHIT, FIRE!"

"Byakuya, cut the fire extinguisher restraints!"

"I am not a knife"

"Knifes are more useful"

"Shut it baboon face"

"ICHIGOOO!"

"GET OUTTA HERE OLD MAN!"

"AUUGGGGHH!"

"I must say Rukia, those flames upon your hair make you look just like Masaki. Ahhhh"

"GET THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER!"

"May I also compliment you on your exquisite vocal cords?"

WHAM

"OWWWWWWWWWWW"

"YOU IDIOT MONKEY, PRESS THE LATCH. DON'T HIT HER WITH IT!"

"You said get the big red can. And whats a latch"

"The lever moron."

"Oh"

"Onii-chan, Byakkun left screaming for Hisana."

"Trauma?"

"Maybe"

"FIRE BURNIN' FIRE BURNIN' ON THE DANCE FLOOR"

"STOP SINGING OLD FART!"

"MY HAIR!"

"Why Rukia, I didn't know you had cancer"

"Can I kill your dad Ichigo?"

"Whats cancer?"

"Shut up moron. The fire went out anyway without your swinging that can."

"Where can I buy a wig?"

"Don't try. Remember what happened to Ikkaku?"

"Ah"

"How did this happen anyway?"

"I pressed a button and the 'microwave' exploded. Some yellow stuff got all over the food and burnt it."

"…"

"And here I was thinking Rukia was cursed."

"She _is_. I just didn't give her the chance to demonstrate it."

"Oh"

"Rukia! Your hair! And is that a dent in your head?"

"Ichi-nii, Byakkuns back."

"Nice going baboon face.

"BANKAI"

"OHSHIIIT!"

_**Man**_** its been a while since I've done this. Sorry. Review!**


	5. party planning?

"Hey Ichi-nii, isnt it your birthday tomorrow?"

"Huzzah"

"Karin, be nice to Ichi- HEY GET UP!"

"Don't wanna"

"I wish Rukia-chan was here, she'd get you up"

"Don't even mention that violent midget to me"

"What violent midget are you talking about?"

"OH F- Byakuya, I was talking about one of my classmates, Tatsuki"

"AAAH?"

"SH- WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU ALL COMING FROM?"

"Rangiku contructed a tunnel, remember?"

"That's the last straw redneck, yer out"

"IIICHIIIGOOOOOOO, DON'T THROW YOUR FRIENDS OUT INTO THE COLD LIKE THAT, MASAKI WOULD CRY!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP OLD MAN! GET OUT!"

"Lets plan Ichi-nii's party!"

"Yaaay!"

"Shut up. Get out."

"Tut tut, such mannerisims."

"We'll need cake and balloons and-"

"Yuzu, YUZU"

"HAAAACK!"

"WHO THE HELL LET BYAKUA NEAR THE CREAM PASTRIES?"

"Paaaastry"

"Problem solved"

"Problem solved my ass"

"We'll also need to invite all of Ichi-nii's friends Karin, but n-"

"HEY YUZU! NO ONES LISTENING"

*puke*

"Oh Sh- that's just nasty"

"Is he allergic to cream? I hope not"

"Are you allergic to my fist? I hope so"

"Maybe some fireworks too!I think Ichi-nii would like them!"

"I give up"

"EVRYONE, SHUT UP!IIIITS TIIIME FOOOOR, THE SEMIANNUAL KUROSAKI FUN DAAAY!"

"Whos gonna clean that shit up?"

"Maybe Byakuya can buy a maid?"

"Lets call Hat n' Sandals"

"Shoud we set up the firewoks near the river Karin?"

"Sure"

"No one likes my fun day~~~~~"

"Hey guys, my hair grew back!"

"Did the dent patch over?"

WHAM

"Hey Rukia, can you call Hat n' Sandals? *gulp* please?"

WHAM

"That's fun"

"R- Rukia, help"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWW!"

WHAM

**Review **


	6. The Art of Face Balancing

"Sometimes I wish you people would leave me alone"

"You don't mean that"

"Yes I do"

"No you don't, you love us"

"Say that to the dent in my head"

"Hey we all match with Rukia now!"

WHAM

"Where the hell did the midget crawl out from?"

WHAM

"I'm not a goddamn cockroach!"

"I completely agree Rukia"

"ICHI-NII, BYAKKUNS HERE!"

"I noticed Yuzu"

"Really? When?"

"When he started standing on Renji's face. Who is, by the way, currently suffocating"

"How unfortunate"

"Indeed"

"MRLUVIWABVIQPBVPOEU"

"Whats that you say? Speak up"

"…"

"Didn't anyone ever teach you any manners Renji?"

"Says the guy standing on his face"

"MISAKI, ALL MY CHILDREN ARE FIGHTING~! O~H, WHY MUST THEY DO THIS, THEY ARE BREAKING THEIR FATHERS HEAR-"

"Nice hit"

"I didn't know those could be thrown"

"That's because you don't normally throw a dishwasher"

"I thought that was a microwave"

"That explains a lot of your cooking."

"HAAAACK"

"Which, I see, has come back to bite _Byakkun_ in the ass."

LIUNBNIRGTBNILEB

"OH SH-"

"Literally in this case, I suppose"

"Renji, you revived!"

"Im already dead"

"Good, then the experience shouldn't be anything new, damnit. This is my fucking house"

"Not any more"

"HOLY FUCK,WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM"

"Tunnel"

"My, that was quick Urahara"

"Nii- sama, don't come near me"

"FUCK, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

"Ichigo, you shouldn't drive your siblings out of the house"

"They aren't my siblings, damnit. Shut up beardy."

"He's right you know"

"Shut the fuck up, you don't even live here baboon ass"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT ASSHOLE!"

"FUCK YOU, GET YOU AND YOUR FUCKING DISEASE OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

"WHAT DISEASE"

"Aids"

To Be Continued 


	7. Cooking or Poison?

"Your supposed to be on my side Urahara"

BARRRFFFF

"Damn good thing you're here"

"Haha, this is just a gigai!"

"FUCK, GET BACK HERE!"

"Whose going to clean up Rukia's mess now?"

WHAM

"Why is it my mess?"

"What a wonderful display of hammerspace. Where the hell did you pull that from? Your p—?"

WHAM

"Its your mess, because you made it. If you heated it in the microwave, where did you cook it?"

"Here"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…That's a sink"

"So?"

"*Sigh* It could have been worse. What did you put on it?"

"The usual."

"Where is the rest of the squad? We could have them be the test dummies"

"Yumichika discovered some synonyms for 'gay', and he's firing off the word faggot like a homophobic machine gun. The rest of the squad is laughing their asses off"

"I have a great idea"

"Spit it out Renji"

"She tells us what she put in, and we tell her what she did wrong"

WHAM

"Who says I did anything wrong?"

"…"

"She is right. Her food is wonderful"

GFYRBLB V

"Your bowels disagree"

"NOT IN MY HOUSE DAMNIT!"

"Okay, fine, first salt"

"Chilli powder"

"Pepper"

"Anthrax"

"Vinegar"

"Beardys beard tonic"

"eww. Even my red hair is sticking up at that"

GUVBK BEIL BRFS

"Agreed byakuya"

"Rice"

"Lets not even go there"

"Curry powder"

"What the fuck _is _that?"

"Pumice power, I think"

HUURRRKKK


	8. Fagotron

"Holy shit, that was bad"

"We barely got away, huh carrot top?"

"Fuck you"

"FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT"

"What…the fuck?"

"Is that Yumichika?"

"Looks like it"

"You have got to be fucking kidding me. First byakuya and now this?"

"What the fuck is he doing?"

"It looks like he's…OHMYFUCKINGGOD"

"Im pretty sure that is frowned upon in most places in Japan"

"Screw that, its fucking illegal"

"STOP, YOU THERE, THIS IS THE POLICE"

"Where am I, I don't even know anymore. Did you shinigami assholes transport me somewhere again? This isn't fucking CSI"

"THAT'S THE LAW YOU'RE BREAKING ASSHOLE. THE LAW, DAMNIT"

_some time later_

"Thank god we finally managed to bail him out"

"Im surprised they even let him out"

"What the hell were you idiots doing? You should have stopped him!"

"We were busy. What were you doing?"

"You don't want to know"

_back at Ichigos "home"_

"Is that Captain Kuchiki?"

"I cant even tell anymore"

"He must be pretty hungry"

"More like desperate"

"I didn't know paint thinner was edible"

"It isn't. But then again, after what Rukia fed him, anything would be better"

"ICHIGO, MISAKI~~~, HER, HER FA~~~CE~~~"

"Whoa"

"What is Kon doing?"

"Dunno. But he carved, 'Noah Ark'on it in little letters"

"Didn't that save people from a flood?"

"I don't see any"

"You will soon"

"What are you talking about Kon? I don't see any- Wait. Whats that?"

"ITS HEEERE. SAAVE YOURSELVES!"

"Is it alive?"

"Ewww"

"OH MIGHTY , er THING. SPARE US. TAKE THE BABOON FACE INSTEAD"

"HEY CARROT TOP, WHAT THE F-"

"TAKE MY FRIENDS, JUST GIVE ME A FEW MORE MINUTES OF SWEET, SWEET AIR"

"What are you talking about"

"You people invaded my house, now you suffer for it"

"Oh, looks like we don't have to worry about it anymore. It went for Byakuya"

"Looks like paint thinner is edible after all"

BLORG

"Did they merge or something?"

BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORGKILLRENJI BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG

"At least they get along"

"Why does that happen at my expense?"


	9. Blorg

_back at Ichigos "home"_

"Is that Captain Kuchiki?"

"I cant even tell anymore"

"He must be pretty hungry"

"More like desperate"

"I didn't know paint thinner was edible"

"It isn't. But then again, after what Rukia fed him, anything would be better"

"ICHIGO, MISAKI~~~, HER, HER FA~~~CE~~~"

"Whoa"

"What is Kon doing?"

"Dunno. But he carved, 'Noah Ark'on it in little letters"

"Didn't that save people from a flood?"

"I don't see any"

"You will soon"

"What are you talking about Kon? I don't see any- Wait. Whats that?"

"ITS HEEERE. SAAVE YOURSELVES!"

"Is it alive?"

"Ewww"

"OH MIGHTY , er THING. SPARE US. TAKE THE BABOON FACE INSTEAD"

"HEY CARROT TOP, WHAT THE F-"

"TAKE MY FRIENDS, JUST GIVE ME A FEW MORE MINUTES OF SWEET, SWEET AIR"

"What are you talking about"

"You people invaded my house, now you suffer for it"

"Oh, looks like we don't have to worry about it anymore. It went for Byakuya"

"Looks like paint thinner is edible after all"

BLORG

"Did they merge or something?"

BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG KILLRENJI BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG BLORG

"At least they get along"

"Why does that happen at my expense?"


	10. Bubblegum n' tranquilizers

**Disclaimer: Didn't know we needed these. I don't own Bleach. End of discussion.**

"Congratulations midget. You successfully synthesized 37 different forms of poison."

"Shut _up_ Strawberry."

"I mean, I didn't even know it was _possible_ to turn Lasagna into a neurotoxin."

"You can say _that_ again."

"Kurosaki, Abarai. Should you continue to bother my sister, I will have you beheaded."

"Nii-sama! Its no problem! I can handle the morons myself!"

"Very good Rukia. A Kuchiki must never show weakness."

"Speaking of weakness Byakuya, are your legs ever going to recover from the soup?"

"I mean _wow_ Rukia. The soup you spilled on Byakuya actually ate through his clothes."

"Tell me about it. How did you turn soup into a acid? Good thing no one drank it."

"Well….actually…."

"Renji?! You drank that stuff"

"Nope! I gave it to Ikkaku. I think he fed it to Yachiru"

"Would that be deadly?"

"If we're lucky…."

"Yeah. You'd be better off inhaling paint thinner."

*shudder*

"Hey Babboonface, I think Byakuya has bad memories with paint thinner"

"At least the Blorg spat him out"

"Yeah, it chewed you up for a couple hours, didn't it?"

"Yeah…"

"Say, wouldn't Zaraki be pissed that we're trying to poison Yachiru?"

SMASH

"-_AND I'M ALL OUT OF BUBBLEGUM!"_

"Speak of the devil, and he shall appear."

"_HEY, SOMEONE GET DOWN HERE AND SPAR! I CAME IN ALL CIVILIZED-LIKE TO0!" _

"Falling through the ceiling, then crashing though the floor is not civilized."

"Zaraki, we will _give_ you bubblegum, if you shut up"

"Yeah Taichou! Zaraki, I will never fight you! Ichigo, Rukia, and Taichou will support me because we're friends! Right?!"

PUNT

"WTF?!"

"Better you than us Baboon face"

"Huh, what're you tal-GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !"

-several hours later, Renji retuns with a noticeable limp, broken ribs, shattered arms, and a glare that everyone ignores. He pouts and cries in the corner-

"Hey Byakuya, what're you doing?"

"My servants at the Kuchiki manor in Seireitei believe that Rukias brownies may be used as rat poison. I am instructing her to place a portion in a plate of cookies, then spread the cookies into all the places Kusajishi-fukutaichou frequents."

"That's actually rather vicious, isn't it Byakuya? I actually pity her. No one should be forced to eat Rukia's cooking."

"…"

"Yeah. Didn't Mayuri confiscate some?"

"Yeah. Ukitake-san told me that he found some sort of new element in it or something."

"…"

"Wow Rukia! Some good did come out of that junk!"

"Actually, he said he was interested because it was radioactive, and gave whatever it touched rabies, cancer, Aids, malaria, sickle cell, flesh-eating pneumonia, and an ulcer."

"Brr…Ulcers. Which one did he take?"

"The Haggis."

"Haggis?"

"Yeah. The one that looked like Yumichikas feathers stewed in a bowl with rocks and a raw liver"

"…"

"That was Haggis? I thought that was Stroganoff."

"…!"

WHAMSMASHBANGCRASHBREAKSHATT ERBREAKSMASHCRASHBREAKCRUNCH CRUNCHCRUNCHCRASHBREAKSHATTE RBREAKSMASHBANGCRASHBREAKSMA SHCRASHBREAKCRUNCHSNAPCRACKL EPOPWHAMSMASHBANGCRASHBREAKS HATTERBREAKSMASHCRASHBREAKCR UNCHCRUNCHCRUNCHCRASHBREAKSH ATTERBREAKSMASHBANGCRASHBREA KSMASHCRASHWHAMSMASHBANGCRAS HBREAKSHATTERBREAKSMASHCRASH BREAKCRUNCHCRUNCHCRUNCHCRASH BREAKSHATTERBREAKSMASHBANGCR ASHBREAKSMASHCRASHSMASHCRASH BREAKCRUNCHSNAPCRACKLEPOPWHA MSMASHBANGCRASHBREAKSHATTERB REAKSMASHSMASHCRASHBREAKCRUN CHSNAPCRUNCHWHAMSMASHBANGCRA SHBREAKSHATTER

*panting*

"….ow. Midget, that hurt."

"That's what you get for insulting my food."

"Im not. Im stating facts. Besidees, why's you get Byakuya anyway? What'd he do?"

"AHHH! NII-SAMA!"

"Hisana….Im coming…."

"NO! COME BACK!"

"I see a river…with flowers…so pretty…"

"NOOO, DON'T CROSS IT!"

"*cough* I have just one regret…."

"What is it Nii-sama?"

"I regret…I couldn't kill Kurosaki when I had the chance…"

"…"

"…"

"…I hate you too asshole"

"DON'T WORRY NII-SAMA! ILL DO IT FOR YOU!"

"Help. Shes deranged."

*smirk*

"Did you see that asshole? He just _smirked _at me, after sicing the midget on me. Hey Renji, pass me the nurse caller thing."

"Sure. Why?"

"Heres why. *deep breath* * click* HELPHELPOHMYGODSHESDERANGEDG ODSHESKILLINGEVERYONEHELPHEL PSOMEONEGETTHEANIMALTRANQUIL IZERSOHMYGODSHESCOMINGHEEEEE EEEEELP!...*click* That's why"

"Huh?"

THUNK

"Huh. That was better than I thought. At least shes out cold now."

"Don't you think the Riot Squad was overkill?"

"I'm surprised you even know what that is Renji"

"Urahara's been giving me lessons"

"Ya~a Freeloader-kun. You owe some money for that!"

"How much Urahara?"

"Here's the receipt."

"GYAAAAA!"

"Call the nurse! Renji's gone under! Damn, this is all because of that stupid receipt. How much is there anyway…OHMYFUCKINGGODWHATTHEHELLIST HISSHITIMSEEINGWHATTHEFUCKDO PEOPLEEVENHAVE THATMUCHMONEYHOLYCRAP!"

"Yare, yare Kurosaki-kun. You shouldn't make that much sound in a hospital you know!"

"Don't gimme that shit! You charged him 6.5 million yen for _a goddamn toothpick! _Look how many zeros are on this thing! I cant even count that high_"_

"Kozo, that doesn't help. If its higher than you can count, it could be anywhere from 6 to 60."

"Shut it Byakuya!"

"Yare yare Kurosaki-kun, why do you care? Freeloader-kun is the one paying"

"Oh. Yeah. Go ahead, I don't care anymore"

"Traitor!"

"See you at 4 Freeloader-kun! Your poor, so you'll be working off your debt!"

"How many years to pay _this_?"

"More that Kurosaki-kun can count!"

"OI!"

"Leave it Kurosaki. Lets get out. Byakuya is dying, and Rukia got shot up with tranquilizers. We're in the middle of a crime scere. Lets bail"

"How…?"

"Don't you watch CSI? It's a very good human show"

"Whatever. Do you think he'll figure out _that_?"

"You mean that we put him into an asylum instead of a hospital by pleading insanity, because you were too cheap to pay the medical bills?"

"Yeah…"

"I don't know. But my CSI-honed human instinct warn me not to stay long enough to find out."

"That's just cowardice!"

"Well, that and he'll saddle me with enough paperwork to last me 3 lifetimes"

"Ouch"

**That's a wrap folks! Sorry I don't post this very often, my dear followers! I do this as a means to vent mostly, and I have a ton of homework. Just took the SAT's. *sigh***

**Push the button. You know you want to. Do it. Come on. Do it. **


End file.
